Grief is Weird

It's been a minute... I feel like January is lasting forever.  This month we've had 21 of 23 nights below freezing in Tennessee, which is really unusual. There was a snowstorm that closed everything down for a few days, followed by temps in the single digits which also closed things down.  In the midst of all of that, I closed on our house not once, but twice. It's a long story, but I'll just say if anyone is ever considering a loan with the USDA Rural Development Service - do. not. do. it.   After the holidays are hard - everyone goes back to work, it's cold and the days are short. Sometimes I forget and think that Randy is at session in North Dakota - it was part of our winter routine. Even when he wasn't in session, he was usually back in ND at some point in January for meetings and appointments. I admit I've read the papers to see what the legislature is up to this session, and I even watched the inauguration this week. Randy would be pleased. There are ...

The end of 2024 looks very different than what I thought it would look like back in January. I think many people wouldn't blame me if I said 2024 was a horrible year. It wasn't all bad though. January brought the news that Randy's scans were clear and his feeding tube was removed. He was also cleared to get back in the gym, which, if you know Randy, was awesome news. In March he went back to work, and we tried to navigate our new normal. In April my mom celebrated her 80th birthday with a surprise party. The weather got warm (and then hot) and we did our porch sitting on the weekends, worked in the yard, went to the gym, all the normal things. And then came June, and things went downhill quickly. Randy was a lone wolf and if something went wrong, he fixed it himself. Cancer frustrated him to no end because it was something he could not fix. When I think about the last few weeks of his life, I think about how difficult it must have been to give up that control and need to fi...

I made it through Christmas.  I spent Christmas Eve at my mom's with Frackie (she's become quite the backseat driver) and most of Christmas Day there too. It was a group of 14 (my nephew was sick so my sister stayed home with him) and it was a chaotic day of opening gifts, the kids playing with toys, eating way too much and just being with family.  The hardest part of the day was coming home to a dark house. Since I left during the day on Christmas Eve I forgot to turn any lights on for when I came back home. First thing I did was turn Christmas lights on, but it didn't feel like Christmas. The house still felt empty. Christmas was when Randy first told me he loved me, so I think the holiday will always feel bittersweet.  I discovered our first Christmas together that Randy liked to wrap small presents in big boxes. I always wear Chanel No. 5, and that is what he gave me last year. He wrapped that small bottle in a huge box and put a 10 lb plate from the gym in the box to...

Well, I made it through Randy's birthday and then my birthday 3 days later. I am 362 days older than Randy, so for those 362 days he would call me a cougar and tell me I was robbing the cradle. On my birthday he wold happily wish me a happy birthday and tell me that I was back to robbing the cradle again.  In 2023 Randy's birthday was a little different. You don't realize how many of life's special occasions revolve around food until you have experienced life with esophageal cancer. Randy was recovering from surgery last year, working on getting off the feeding tube, slowly introducing solid foods. We talked about how we'd be celebrating in 2024 when he'd be able to eat somewhat normally again. Little did we know. Anyone who knew Randy knew that he had his favorites, and he rarely deviated from those things. One of his favorites was Ocoee Dam Deli where he'd get the open faced roast beef, mashed potatoes, green beans and extra brown gravy. His other favorite...

I made it through Thanksgiving. The day itself wasn't horrible because I was busy and spent the day with my family, which was good for my soul. There's nothing like hearing Axel say he wants to play cars with Oma.  It was Friday that was hard. Randy & I would always go get our Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving. There is a tree farm not far from us where every tree is only $25. Doesn't matter how big or small, they are all $25. When we got the UTV, Randy figured out a way to strap the ladder onto the UTV so that we could take the it to get the tree. I carried on the tradition this year, ladder attached to the UTV, put on Randy's flannel and headed to the tree farm in the 40-degree weather. I'm sure people probably were wondering why I was crying as I looked at trees. More than once I thought about just going back home, but I knew I'd regret it later. I found my perfect tree, checked for a straight trunk and got to sawing. I securely strapped the tree ...

Thanksgiving was the first holiday that Randy and I shared. I had run a half marathon that morning in Atlanta. Afterwards I loaded up the dogs and myself and drove to Tennessee. He had picked up Thanksgiving dinner for us and had it all set up when I arrived (I do not recommend rehydrating after running with chardonnay - it does not work!) I still remember his Facebook post from that first Thanksgiving together - he posted our picture and said "Lots to be thankful for this year."  We always spend Thanksgiving in Tennessee, and it was always just the 2 of us. I was in charge of the turkey and stuffing and Randy did the gravy. We usually picked up a few sides from the freezer section (Savanah Classics was a favorite) and we had leftovers for days.  Last year was the first year we didn't have a big feast. Randy was still on the feeding tube after surgery. He  had just passed his swallow test so he was starting to add some food. We thought that there was always next year. I t...

Sometimes I feel like I am about to reach my limit - mentally, emotionally and physically, especially with the holidays coming up. Last week was the 3 month anniversary of Randy's passing. It was also the week that his family arranged for his car to be shipped to North Dakota. I wrapped the things that he wanted his family to have in furniture pads and placed them in the trunk. These were things that were way too big to carry on a plane or to trust USPS or UPS with - and trusting the transport driver was also questionable once I met him, but off they went. When the driver pulled out of the driveway with Randy's car, that was another gut punch. Grief is not just emotional, it's physical. It's hard to see his things leave. It's funny the little things that you miss. One of the many things I miss about Randy is laying my head on his chest to watch t.v. He had the perfect chest to lay my head on. I'd bring my blanket and curl up into him and he'd tell me not to ...