New Year's Eve

The end of 2024 looks very different than what I thought it would look like back in January. I think many people wouldn't blame me if I said 2024 was a horrible year. It wasn't all bad though.

January brought the news that Randy's scans were clear and his feeding tube was removed. He was also cleared to get back in the gym, which, if you know Randy, was awesome news. In March he went back to work, and we tried to navigate our new normal. In April my mom celebrated her 80th birthday with a surprise party. The weather got warm (and then hot) and we did our porch sitting on the weekends, worked in the yard, went to the gym, all the normal things. And then came June, and things went downhill quickly.

Randy was a lone wolf and if something went wrong, he fixed it himself. Cancer frustrated him to no end because it was something he could not fix. When I think about the last few weeks of his life, I think about how difficult it must have been to give up that control and need to fix things. Randy accepted that the cancer had returned and that there was no treatment, and he handled it with grace. 

It dawned on me just how much he loved me and trusted me to care for him those last few weeks. He wanted to spend whatever time he had left at our home in Tennessee. We didn't have help here - the hospice nurse stopped by once a week to check on us. The rest of the time it was just the two of us, the way it had always been. I heard Randy say I love you more in those weeks than I think I ever had before - because in the end, his love what all he had left to give me. I was alone with him when he took his last breath, laying in bed beside him, holding his hand, telling him that I loved him and that I'd be okay.  

In the past few months people have checked in on me on a regular basis, and it's people I expected to, as well as people that I did not expect. People that I thought would be here for me have not been, and I'm learning to accept that. Neighbors who I barely knew have stepped in to help when I needed it. 

So you see, not all of 2024 was horrible. I've spent more time with family the past few months, planning for Ben and Maria Luisa's wedding is in full swing, Axel turned 2, I have a potential new job offer on the horizon, and I've stopped crying on a daily basis. I've also been reminded that I'm stronger than I thought and that I can do hard things.

Tonight I'll watch football, as Randy & I would have, and I'll probably fall asleep before midnight. Tomorrow will be 2025, the beginning of a new year, one without Randy in it.  

I'm not okay now - but I will be.




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