Grief is Weird

I was driving home from an appointment today and the song "One More Day" came on. It's a great song, but as I was listening to the words, I got a little emotional.  If I had one more day with Randy, I'd do and say what you'd expect, but there's so much more. I'd ask him where the cover for the upstairs hall light is, and why there aren't screens on some of the windows. He could show me how to hook up the propane to the fireplace (I'm a little concerned I'll blow myself up if I attempt it) I'd also ask him where in the heck the stupid belt buckle is, and if he knew what a $hit show his estate would turn out to be. I read that back and it sounds like I'm angry. Maybe I am a little bit - he's gone and there is still a lot to deal with in the land of the living. I'm also hurt, and learning how to heal. Speaking of living, life goes on. My mom told me recently that I'm too young to spend the rest of my life alone. I agree, at lea...

How has it been a year already? Actually it will 1 year at exactly 6:56 pm eastern today. At times the days have gone by very slowly, almost as if time stood still, and there are days that have sped by - and here we are at August 13. Some days I swear I can smell your lotion or hear your footsteps, but it's all in my memories now.  I've learned a lot about myself and others in the past year. Here are a few highlights:  Everyone grieves in their own way, and there is no time table on grief. You think you're doing great and then you're in Aldi seeing the 5-hour energy dupes that you used to buy in bulk and you're sobbing. Have a very detailed will. You don't think that people will give a $hit about that ashtray you made in 3rd grade? Yeah, after you're gone, someone will. Put. Everything. In. The. Will. (Trust me on this one folks). I am a hell of a lot stronger than I thought. Randy asked me to take care of him until the end and beyond, and I did. I went to h...

The closer it gets to August 13, the more I think about the last couple of weeks with Randy. In mid-July we had a lot of visitors and they were all saying good-bye. At one point I told Randy I was tired of people coming to say good-bye and he said to me "Darlin, I'm dying". He knew it. I knew it and just didn't want to admit it. We had a couple of weeks where it was just us. It was peaceful. We figured things out - improvise, adapt and overcome became our daily mantra. We had a lot of conversations in those days, and Randy told me he loved me more in that time than ever before.  I think about Randy's last couple of days a lot. The day before, August 12, Randy's mom, brother and sister arrived. His mom and brother had never been here before. His sister's first visit was only the month before. They stayed a good part of the day, and Randy was able to visit with them.  After they left to go to the cabin where they were staying, I tried to get Randy settled fo...

Oh July, we meet again. I'm not a fan of July after July 4, and not because I'm exhausted after running the Peachtree Road Race.  July 11, 2013 was when my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He fought a very brave, and all too brief battle against that horrible disease before passing away 15 days later.  July 12, 2019 I went in for a biopsy of my thyroid after a doctor felt a lump in my neck. My surgeon said he would be shocked if it was cancer. Let's just say he was shocked. Anytime a doctor calls you after 5 pm on a Friday, it's usually not good news. July 19, 2019 was when I received my own cancer diagnosis. Then for a few years, July was better. Randy and I would go camping in North Dakota during the summer, and usually went every weekend in July. And by camping I mean in a motorhome with full electric and water hookups (your girl has her standards). He showed me places I had never been before - the North Dakota Badlands, Medora, Fort Stevenson and Lake Sakakawea. ...

May was a busy and exciting month for me and my family. Besides the usual busyness of Mother's Day, Memorial Day and random timed races I signed up for, my son married the love of his life on May 31. It was a wonderful day, and everything that I hoped it would be for Ben and Maria Luisa. The joy radiating from the two of them was amazing. Now we are well into the month of June. It's hard to believe that this week marks 10 months since Randy has been gone. The closer it gets to August 13, the more emotional I am. There are days that I feel very stuck and unable to move forward. Some of that is out of my control, and it frustrates me. The first couple of weeks of June 2024 were our last "normal" days. The last days where Randy went to work during the week, worked out in the gym, did yard work and projects and porch sat. About mid-June, he started to feel a tightness in his chest. We both thought it was allergies, or a summer cold ("man cold" IYKYK). The timing...

I didn't sleep well last night. It hit me this morning that it's been 9 months that Randy has been gone. How has 9 months gone by already? This time of year was one of Randy's favorites in Tennessee. The pollen has finally diminished to a tolerable level, the humidity hasn't set in yet, and the day time temps are so that the air isn't running constantly. The perfect time of year for porch sitting. Randy introduced me to porch sitting. He, of course, was a professional, having had many years of practice. On Fridays and Saturdays, we'd grab our drinks, the speaker and the dogs and head outside to the porch. There we would sit, listening to country music, some songs louder than others, until it was dark. Sometimes we'd talk, but the the majority of the time we'd just listen to music and enjoy each other's company. Randy was impressed with Gypsy's porch sitting from the start and told me she was a professional along with he and Sadie. I think I came ...