365 Days

How has it been a year already? Actually it will 1 year at exactly 6:56 pm eastern today. At times the days have gone by very slowly, almost as if time stood still, and there are days that have sped by - and here we are at August 13. Some days I swear I can smell your lotion or hear your footsteps, but it's all in my memories now. 

I've learned a lot about myself and others in the past year. Here are a few highlights: 

  • Everyone grieves in their own way, and there is no time table on grief. You think you're doing great and then you're in Aldi seeing the 5-hour energy dupes that you used to buy in bulk and you're sobbing.
  • Have a very detailed will. You don't think that people will give a $hit about that ashtray you made in 3rd grade? Yeah, after you're gone, someone will. Put. Everything. In. The. Will. (Trust me on this one folks).
  • I am a hell of a lot stronger than I thought. Randy asked me to take care of him until the end and beyond, and I did. I went to his memorial in Dickinson and the Senate and Legislative Memorials in North Dakota and held it together. I've taken care of Frackie, our house, and all the things in between.
  • Some of the people that you think will be there for you won't - that's just the way it is. It's not you, it's them and their issues and regrets.
  • Friends that you haven't heard from in a while will reach out to you and become your closest confidants. 
  • People who you didn't even know but knew your loved one will reach out and continuously be there.
  • Neighbors will reach out - I am so thankful for my little River Lane community that has stepped up and helped me when I needed it.
  • Physical activity is helping me heal. I've always been active and that's one thing Randy and I shared. I am so thankful for my running community at Terra Running. They helped me in the weeks right after Randy's passing without even realizing it. 
  • Grief Share taught me a lot even though the format was challenging. For me it was not only about Randy's death, but also about my Dad's and how I never really dealt with that loss. Maybe Grief share isn't for you, but everyone needs a bit of help. 
  • Ask. For. Help. (this is a big one) I am not one to ask for help, usually waiting until I'm about to lose my mind before the thought occurs to me to ask. I've learned asking for help does not mean you're weak. It just means you're human. 
  • Are Randy's reading glasses still on the end table where he left them? Yes, and that's okay. I'll move them when I'm ready.
  • It's okay to be angry and sad and to have all the big feelings - and to say "I need some space" when you need it. (learned that from my very wise grandson)
  • It's okay to not be okay.
  • It's okay to laugh and find joy again (getting off the grief train for longer stretches these days)
I know that Randy is in Heaven, porch sitting with JJ, Bo, Sadie and Gypsy, with his country music cranked as loud has possible. That knowledge gives me some comfort and will get me through today. 











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