Christmas

I made it through Christmas. 

I spent Christmas Eve at my mom's with Frackie (she's become quite the backseat driver) and most of Christmas Day there too. It was a group of 14 (my nephew was sick so my sister stayed home with him) and it was a chaotic day of opening gifts, the kids playing with toys, eating way too much and just being with family. 

The hardest part of the day was coming home to a dark house. Since I left during the day on Christmas Eve I forgot to turn any lights on for when I came back home. First thing I did was turn Christmas lights on, but it didn't feel like Christmas. The house still felt empty. Christmas was when Randy first told me he loved me, so I think the holiday will always feel bittersweet. 

I discovered our first Christmas together that Randy liked to wrap small presents in big boxes. I always wear Chanel No. 5, and that is what he gave me last year. He wrapped that small bottle in a huge box and put a 10 lb plate from the gym in the box too, so I had no idea what was inside. He loved watching my face as I opened it.

Last year I gave Randy University of Tennessee pajama pants, which he absolutely loved, along with some other things, but those were his favorite gift. Randy would receive Home Depot gift cards for Christmas too, and our day after Christmas consisted of a trip to Home Depot so he could buy himself a new toy. This year there were no Home Depot trips for new man toys.

Yesterday I spent the day putting Christmas away. The tree is down, the inside decorations and outside lights and inflatables are all packed away. I don't know if I'll put everything up next year - it was a lot of work without much joy involved. I think this year I did it to prove that I could, and that I could get through the holidays. Holidays, and every day, just look and feel different now.  



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