I sobbed into my scrambled eggs

Sometimes I feel like I am about to reach my limit - mentally, emotionally and physically, especially with the holidays coming up.

Last week was the 3 month anniversary of Randy's passing. It was also the week that his family arranged for his car to be shipped to North Dakota. I wrapped the things that he wanted his family to have in furniture pads and placed them in the trunk. These were things that were way too big to carry on a plane or to trust USPS or UPS with - and trusting the transport driver was also questionable once I met him, but off they went. When the driver pulled out of the driveway with Randy's car, that was another gut punch. Grief is not just emotional, it's physical. It's hard to see his things leave.

It's funny the little things that you miss. One of the many things I miss about Randy is laying my head on his chest to watch t.v. He had the perfect chest to lay my head on. I'd bring my blanket and curl up into him and he'd tell me not to fall asleep, but I always did because it was just that comfortable. I thought of that when I was watching the video at his memorial service. There was one picture of Randy at the lake with his shirt off and that's when it hit me - I will never fall asleep on his chest again.

Lately I have found myself falling asleep in the family room and then picking myself up to go to bed, and being unable to fall back to sleep. So I watch t.v. until I doze off. I've started reaching for Randy during the night and scooting over to his side of the bed. Then I wake up and find myself alone. I feel like I'm moving backward. 

Sundays were our big breakfast mornings. We'd make eggs, bacon, hashbrowns and toast - Randy was in charge of the hashbrowns and bacon and I did the rest. Then we did the dishes together and decided what projects we'd tackle that day. This past Sunday, as I was sitting alone at the table eating breakfast, I started to sob. Grief is odd that way. It just hits you. So I sobbed into my scrambled eggs and when I was done, I did the dishes, and decided on my project for the day. 

I'll leave you with the lyrics from The Dance (the Garth Brooks version of course!)

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end

The way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance

I could have missed the pain

But I'd have had to miss the dance




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