Grief is Weird

May was a busy and exciting month for me and my family. Besides the usual busyness of Mother's Day, Memorial Day and random timed races I signed up for, my son married the love of his life on May 31. It was a wonderful day, and everything that I hoped it would be for Ben and Maria Luisa. The joy radiating from the two of them was amazing. Now we are well into the month of June. It's hard to believe that this week marks 10 months since Randy has been gone. The closer it gets to August 13, the more emotional I am. There are days that I feel very stuck and unable to move forward. Some of that is out of my control, and it frustrates me. The first couple of weeks of June 2024 were our last "normal" days. The last days where Randy went to work during the week, worked out in the gym, did yard work and projects and porch sat. About mid-June, he started to feel a tightness in his chest. We both thought it was allergies, or a summer cold ("man cold" IYKYK). The timing...

I didn't sleep well last night. It hit me this morning that it's been 9 months that Randy has been gone. How has 9 months gone by already? This time of year was one of Randy's favorites in Tennessee. The pollen has finally diminished to a tolerable level, the humidity hasn't set in yet, and the day time temps are so that the air isn't running constantly. The perfect time of year for porch sitting. Randy introduced me to porch sitting. He, of course, was a professional, having had many years of practice. On Fridays and Saturdays, we'd grab our drinks, the speaker and the dogs and head outside to the porch. There we would sit, listening to country music, some songs louder than others, until it was dark. Sometimes we'd talk, but the the majority of the time we'd just listen to music and enjoy each other's company. Randy was impressed with Gypsy's porch sitting from the start and told me she was a professional along with he and Sadie. I think I came ...

It's been 8 months today - 3/4 of a year. For me, the number 13 will forever be associated with Randy. He was diagnosed on July 13, lived 13 months after his diagnosis and passed on August 13.  I made a trip to North Dakota in March to attend the memorial for Randy and other legislators that had passed away, which was organized by the State Legislature and held on March 13. It was beautiful and emotional to hear Randy's former coach and later colleague talk about him. Nothing prepares you for the moment when his picture appeared on the big screen - smiling in his Tennessee orange and so full of life. The Senate presented me with a copy of their Resolution, and the House sent one to me later. I was glad that I was able to make the trip for Randy. Back home in Tennessee we are in the season known as the pollening. We have a log home and during the spring the carpenter bees go on attack. One of the things that Randy did was patrol the porch for carpenter bees and yellowjacket nest...

Five years ago today, March 12, 2020, I flew to Minot, ND because Randy had outpatient surgery scheduled for March 13. This was after Randy kept telling me he could drive himself home after being knocked out for surgery - that was a big NO from his doctor and from me.  March 2020 was about the time the pandemic really started to take off. I remember after surgery Randy wanted to stop at Marketplace to get groceries (he was still feeling good from all the great drugs he was given) and there were signs with limits on toilet paper and people were stocking up on groceries and paper goods. It was like the world had gone crazy in those few hours we were in the hospital. Randy's was one of the last elective surgeries completed before everything was shut down. Today, exactly 5 years later, I got up early and flew to North Dakota for a completely different reason. Tomorrow the State of North Dakota will honor Randy in both the Senate and the House, and on the 7 month anniversary since his p...

Everyone grieves differently, and there is no time line on how long you grieve. I think in one way or another you grieve for the rest of your life. There are those dreaded firsts during the first year, which is where I am. A couple of weekends ago I went to my first Terra Ambassador Breakfast and Group Run. I was talking to one of the other women there, and she was going to work after breakfast and had to skip the run. I asked her where she worked, thinking retail since it was a Saturday morning. She told me she worked at a funeral home and told me which one. Without even thinking I said "oh, you cremated my boyfriend last August" (yes, I really said that) When it dawned on me what I said, I started to laugh, then she started to laugh. She thought I was going to say "Oh you cremated my dog, or cat, or bird, so this is a first".  It's funny who God puts in your life. The one thing I remember in the first few days after Randy passed was how kind everyone was at th...

Somehow 6 months have passed since you left. There are days when it feels like yesterday that I woke up with you, heard your voice, kissed you - and then there are days that feel like it was forever.  My thoughts lately have been about the projects that we did together. It's hard to believe that 5 years have passed since the world shut down. Randy and I spent a good deal of the pandemic in Tennessee. Neither one of us could go to the office so we needed something to keep us busy. We were having the logs replaced in our house, so Randy & I decided to undertake our own project (while the professionals were here, just in case) by installing hardy board siding on the 2nd story of the house. I think Randy's favorite part of the job was the lift that we rented to reach the 2nd story. He was like a little kid and loved going up in that thing. Me on the other hand, who is afraid of heights, was not a fan. It must have been love for him to be able to talk me into going up really rea...

Most people who know me know that I am a runner. I've been running for over 25 years - I started when Ben was about a year old as a way to lose that stubborn pregnancy weight. At first I just ran in the neighborhood, and then another mom from church introduced me to running The Peachtree Road Race (for anyone not in Atlanta, it's the world's largest 10k run on July 4). I was hooked. I started running the Peachtree in 2000, and have run every year since then (virtually during the Covid years). Then I found other races, and have a collection of race bibs, medals, t-shirts, hoodies - you name it, I've got it. I just finished my 13th Hot Chocolate Race this morning with a PR (definitely getting faster with age - who knew?) In 2011 I signed up for my first Tough Mudder in Cedartown, Georgia. I had no idea when I was getting myself into, but I thought running and obstacles - how much fun would that be? I managed to survive that one, and did 6 more. My Dad used to ask me if th...