The Grief Train


 The Grief Train


I recently was told that grief is like a train. You ride it with all of your baggage, and sometimes people get off. They may leave their bags on the train or take them. People may just get off for a brief stop, sometimes a longer stop, and then someday they never get back on at all.

I don't have "great" days right now. I have bad days, and okay days, and some days really really suck. Tuesday was 6 weeks since he left. There are times when it feels like it was just yesterday, and the grief is still raw.

Monday I had to go to Atlanta for a couple of doctor's appointments (note to self, do not schedule annual physicals with both your primary care doctor and gynecologist all in one day) and had to drop my car off for service. It was a long and crappy day. Terra Running, a local running store in Cleveland, does group runs on Monday evenings. I had not been in a while and decided I would go, because I needed to move my body, and, like I said, it had been a crappy day. Terra was doing a demo of a new shoe and also a trash pick up around Cleveland. I put on a pair of shoes, looked at another woman who didn't seem to know anyone and we became trash pick up partners. It's very hard to run and pick up trash at the same time, so we would run a bit, pick up trash, and chat. When talking to her,  I still talk about Randy in the present tense, and I still think of myself as a "we", not a "me", if that makes sense. After we picked up trash, Terra Running gave away a new pair of the shoes, and I won a new pair of Hylo running shoes. Me, who rarely wins anything other than $2 from Mega Millions, won a $165 pair of brand new running shoes.

When I left the run, I wanted to call Randy. It's a habit. Something really good and cool happened and that is who I wanted to tell and share it with. It took a moment for it to sink in that I can't do that anymore.

For about an hour on Monday, I got off the grief train. I left my bags there, because I knew I would be back. Maybe next time I'll be able to get off for a little longer. 



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