Grief is Weird

Thanksgiving was the first holiday that Randy and I shared. I had run a half marathon that morning in Atlanta. Afterwards I loaded up the dogs and myself and drove to Tennessee. He had picked up Thanksgiving dinner for us and had it all set up when I arrived (I do not recommend rehydrating after running with chardonnay - it does not work!) I still remember his Facebook post from that first Thanksgiving together - he posted our picture and said "Lots to be thankful for this year."  We always spend Thanksgiving in Tennessee, and it was always just the 2 of us. I was in charge of the turkey and stuffing and Randy did the gravy. We usually picked up a few sides from the freezer section (Savanah Classics was a favorite) and we had leftovers for days.  Last year was the first year we didn't have a big feast. Randy was still on the feeding tube after surgery. He  had just passed his swallow test so he was starting to add some food. We thought that there was always next year. I t...

Sometimes I feel like I am about to reach my limit - mentally, emotionally and physically, especially with the holidays coming up. Last week was the 3 month anniversary of Randy's passing. It was also the week that his family arranged for his car to be shipped to North Dakota. I wrapped the things that he wanted his family to have in furniture pads and placed them in the trunk. These were things that were way too big to carry on a plane or to trust USPS or UPS with - and trusting the transport driver was also questionable once I met him, but off they went. When the driver pulled out of the driveway with Randy's car, that was another gut punch. Grief is not just emotional, it's physical. It's hard to see his things leave. It's funny the little things that you miss. One of the many things I miss about Randy is laying my head on his chest to watch t.v. He had the perfect chest to lay my head on. I'd bring my blanket and curl up into him and he'd tell me not to ...

Randy and I came late to watching Yellowstone. Last year it was on Paramount Network so we decided to watch Season 1, Episode 1, thinking that if we didn't like it then it was no big deal. At the end of the first episode I remember us looking at each other and saying "did all that just happen??" We were hooked! We watched all 5 seasons within a few weeks. There were times when we had to watch an episode earlier in the evening so that we could decompress before bed (IYKYK) When we started hearing a possible return date for Yellowstone and then heard Kevin Costner wasn't returning, of course we talked about what they would do with his character. I think at the beginning of the summer they announced the return would be November 10, and we couldn't wait.  At some point in July, we stopped talking about watching Yellowstone together. We stopped looking to the future because Randy knew his days with me were becoming fewer and fewer. I knew it too, but ever the optimist,...

On Election Day 2020, Randy and I were in Minot, ND. He was running for re-election for the State House in District 40. I had never been involved in a campaign before, and it was fun. Because the pandemic was still in full swing, there weren't too many campaign events, so the one thing that we did was check campaign signs around Minot - the wind in ND would wreak havoc on them.  Randy had permission to put one of the big campaign signs in an empty lot next to one of the grocery stores in Minot. We used metal poles, hammering them pretty deep into the ground before attaching the sign. After making sure it was secure, we left and then decided to drive back down that way to check on it later that afternoon. While we were joking about it still being up, we came around the corner and were shocked to see that the sign was down. Someone had bent the metal poles and knocked it over. We got out of the truck, and as we did a woman came out of the house next door screaming at us. I thought we...

I've been thinking about Randy a lot the past few days, more than normal. This time last year we were in Rochester, MN at Mayo waiting for Randy to be discharged from the hospital after his surgery. He spent 10 days in the hospital before he was discharged, and we headed back home to Tennessee for him to recover. I remember we had strict instructions from the doctors to stop every couple of hours for Randy to get out and walk to prevent blood clots. I did stop, much to Randy's annoyance because he just wanted to get home, but in the end it made the 900 and something mile drive more manageable for him.  During the drive he was quiet at times and at one point he broke down because he was just so grateful to be alive and have such a wonderful prognosis. What a difference a year makes.  Thursday was a rough day for me. I was feeling overwhelmed with everything - house stuff, Randy's stuff, work, even what to eat - like I said, everything. It doesn't help that the seasons ar...