Grief is Weird

On February 17, 2023 my dog Gypsy passed away. She had a tumor in her spleen and it was removed in April 2022, and the vet said we'd have 3-4 months with her. We had another 10 months, and she was perfectly fine until a couple of days before she passed. Randy was right in the middle of the Legislative Session in North Dakota, and I was at our home in Tennessee with Gypsy and Frackie. He had planned to come home during crossover, but Mother Nature decided to dump a blizzard in North Dakota and his flight was canceled, so it was just Frackie and I. Honestly, if it weren't for Frackie, I might have stayed in bed the first couple of days after Gypsy, but Frackie needed me, so I got up and took care of her. She helped to heal my heart. Frackie had been a mostly outside dog. Well, I was lonely without Gypsy, so by the time Randy finished the legislative session, I had turned Frackie into an indoor dog. Rather than take her in and out to the backyard several times a day, we decided to...

Today is October 13. It's been 2 months. Some days it feels like forever, and some days it feels like yesterday. Randy had 2 dogs when we met, Sadie and Frackie. He rescued Sadie from a horrible situation and in return Sadie loved Randy and was devoted to him - he was her person, and she was his ride or die. When Sadie passed in May 2021, it gutted Randy. The only consolation was that he got her home to Tennessee before she died, and her ashes were in the bedroom, in the shelves next to his side of the bed.  When we found out that Randy's cancer had returned and it was terminal, I made him a promise. I promised him I would take care of him until the end. Randy said he did not want a funeral, and wanted to be cremated. The one thing that bothered him was leaving Sadie's ashes behind so he gave me specific instructions for Sadie as well. I promised I would take care of them both. I have no doubt that Sadie was waiting in Heaven for Randy when he arrived (and I'm sure Gyps...

Today has been 8 weeks...56 days...almost to the exact moment. Last night I started Grief Share at a local church. Randy's friend and former coworker Mike is the pastor there, and he invited me. Randy and Mike worked together at First Volunteer Bank before Mike became a full-time pastor. Mike shared that Randy went to visit him right after his diagnosis last July. He wasn't at the church but told Randy to wait, he was on his way back. Mike said he prayed with Randy and gave him a list of Bible verses to refer to during his cancer journey. I know that Randy valued Mike's friendship and counsel. I found the list not too long ago, written on a yellow post it note, tucked in Randy's checkbook.  Grief Share is hard. There were times last night when I felt like I couldn't breathe, and just wanted to leave. I didn't leave. I stayed, watched the video, cried some, listened to people who felt like sharing and came home and cried more. It was a lot of emotion. I'm sti...

Randy's brother and nephew flew in to Chattanooga on Thursday to pick up Randy's pickup truck, trailer and ATV to take back home with them. I drove the truck to the airport to get them, just to drive it one last time. As I did, a rush of memories came at me. The first time I went to Minot he picked me up in the truck. I remember he remote started it because it was December (who visits North Dakota in the middle of December? That would be me.) and turned on the seat heaters for me. When he had his hernia surgery, I took him to and from the hospital in the truck, and that's the first time he said "Darlin' you look good drivin my truck" (and yes, that was before surgery, so no pain killers were involved).  I would watch him leave on Sundays to drive down to Bismarck for session when we were in Minot, and look for it to come back on Friday afternoons. Those sorts of things. We got back to the house and the trailer was hooked up to the truck. I can't remember t...