Grief is Weird

The closer it gets to August 13, the more I think about the last couple of weeks with Randy. In mid-July we had a lot of visitors and they were all saying good-bye. At one point I told Randy I was tired of people coming to say good-bye and he said to me "Darlin, I'm dying". He knew it. I knew it and just didn't want to admit it. We had a couple of weeks where it was just us. It was peaceful. We figured things out - improvise, adapt and overcome became our daily mantra. We had a lot of conversations in those days, and Randy told me he loved me more in that time than ever before.  I think about Randy's last couple of days a lot. The day before, August 12, Randy's mom, brother and sister arrived. His mom and brother had never been here before. His sister's first visit was only the month before. They stayed a good part of the day, and Randy was able to visit with them.  After they left to go to the cabin where they were staying, I tried to get Randy settled fo...

Oh July, we meet again. I'm not a fan of July after July 4, and not because I'm exhausted after running the Peachtree Road Race.  July 11, 2013 was when my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He fought a very brave, and all too brief battle against that horrible disease before passing away 15 days later.  July 12, 2019 I went in for a biopsy of my thyroid after a doctor felt a lump in my neck. My surgeon said he would be shocked if it was cancer. Let's just say he was shocked. Anytime a doctor calls you after 5 pm on a Friday, it's usually not good news. July 19, 2019 was when I received my own cancer diagnosis. Then for a few years, July was better. Randy and I would go camping in North Dakota during the summer, and usually went every weekend in July. And by camping I mean in a motorhome with full electric and water hookups (your girl has her standards). He showed me places I had never been before - the North Dakota Badlands, Medora, Fort Stevenson and Lake Sakakawea. ...

May was a busy and exciting month for me and my family. Besides the usual busyness of Mother's Day, Memorial Day and random timed races I signed up for, my son married the love of his life on May 31. It was a wonderful day, and everything that I hoped it would be for Ben and Maria Luisa. The joy radiating from the two of them was amazing. Now we are well into the month of June. It's hard to believe that this week marks 10 months since Randy has been gone. The closer it gets to August 13, the more emotional I am. There are days that I feel very stuck and unable to move forward. Some of that is out of my control, and it frustrates me. The first couple of weeks of June 2024 were our last "normal" days. The last days where Randy went to work during the week, worked out in the gym, did yard work and projects and porch sat. About mid-June, he started to feel a tightness in his chest. We both thought it was allergies, or a summer cold ("man cold" IYKYK). The timing...

I didn't sleep well last night. It hit me this morning that it's been 9 months that Randy has been gone. How has 9 months gone by already? This time of year was one of Randy's favorites in Tennessee. The pollen has finally diminished to a tolerable level, the humidity hasn't set in yet, and the day time temps are so that the air isn't running constantly. The perfect time of year for porch sitting. Randy introduced me to porch sitting. He, of course, was a professional, having had many years of practice. On Fridays and Saturdays, we'd grab our drinks, the speaker and the dogs and head outside to the porch. There we would sit, listening to country music, some songs louder than others, until it was dark. Sometimes we'd talk, but the the majority of the time we'd just listen to music and enjoy each other's company. Randy was impressed with Gypsy's porch sitting from the start and told me she was a professional along with he and Sadie. I think I came ...

It's been 8 months today - 3/4 of a year. For me, the number 13 will forever be associated with Randy. He was diagnosed on July 13, lived 13 months after his diagnosis and passed on August 13.  I made a trip to North Dakota in March to attend the memorial for Randy and other legislators that had passed away, which was organized by the State Legislature and held on March 13. It was beautiful and emotional to hear Randy's former coach and later colleague talk about him. Nothing prepares you for the moment when his picture appeared on the big screen - smiling in his Tennessee orange and so full of life. The Senate presented me with a copy of their Resolution, and the House sent one to me later. I was glad that I was able to make the trip for Randy. Back home in Tennessee we are in the season known as the pollening. We have a log home and during the spring the carpenter bees go on attack. One of the things that Randy did was patrol the porch for carpenter bees and yellowjacket nest...

Five years ago today, March 12, 2020, I flew to Minot, ND because Randy had outpatient surgery scheduled for March 13. This was after Randy kept telling me he could drive himself home after being knocked out for surgery - that was a big NO from his doctor and from me.  March 2020 was about the time the pandemic really started to take off. I remember after surgery Randy wanted to stop at Marketplace to get groceries (he was still feeling good from all the great drugs he was given) and there were signs with limits on toilet paper and people were stocking up on groceries and paper goods. It was like the world had gone crazy in those few hours we were in the hospital. Randy's was one of the last elective surgeries completed before everything was shut down. Today, exactly 5 years later, I got up early and flew to North Dakota for a completely different reason. Tomorrow the State of North Dakota will honor Randy in both the Senate and the House, and on the 7 month anniversary since his p...